done with the not trying stuff

Lazy Sunday, life

I've noticed that I just don't share very much.  Which is interesting.  Because I used to be quite the share-r.  And I just don't anymore.

I think it came around when I was looking back at an old blog of mine and realized that I had shared WAY too much information.  And it was now out there.  On the world wide web.  For EVERYONE to read, disect, judge, and disregard.  Hm.  Not sure I really liked that or not.  

So I vowed to keep it to myself. So my posts became more and more impersonal.  Not sharing anything made them more like to-do lists.  Which is fine.  I'm not judging.  But that's not me either.  One of the things I DO is connect with people.  Share feelings, ideas, dreams, fears.  And as my blogging became more closed and impersonal, so did I.  And I'm not sure I really like that.

So in an effort to take the small beginning baby step of change, I'll share something.  I'm tired.

I'm worn out.  Tired.  Done.  Had enough.  Frustrated.  I can't ignore the dissatisfaction anymore. 

I collect inspirational thoughts on little post-it notes and stick them on my computer.  Little moments of “ah-ha” are written down and stuck there.  Little plans and lists of things I should be doing because I know it will make my life better are written down and stuck there.  And then nothing. 

I am so uninspired.  There are so many creative things I want to do in my life.  With my life.  But I have no drive to get it done.  I am not inspired.  And it's so frustrating.  It makes me angry.  Defeated.  Used.  Worn out.  Tired.  

One of the things I've collected says, “If you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always got.”  And that's the problem.  I have put forth no effort to get something different than I've always gotten.  And then I become frustrated.  Angry.  Tired.  Worn out.  Because I hope for something different as the result of the same effort.  Insane.  I'm making myself crazy.

I watched a movie yesterday.  “Love Happens”  with Jennifer Aniston (I love her) and Aaron Eckhart.  I really really liked it.  Which is lucky since I bought it.  In the movie she owns a flower shop.  Apparently, it's something Eloise wanted to do for a long time so a couple years ago she just did it.  She just did it.  And that right there, that started this whole thing over again.

Because, as it happens, I'm an avoider.  So instead of confronting my own selfishness, worry, fear, insecurities, and shortcomings, I avoided.  And continued on the same path, with the same effort, wishing that someday, somehow, it would just happen.  That someone would see my hidden potential and give me the dream I always wanted. 

Wake up kiddo.  Not gonna happen.  

People do not get to where they want to be by watching movies.  They get there by putting forth some effort.  And usually, it's different effort than they put forth before.

So in an effort to enjoy the beautiful spring day that is today.  And in an effort to do something different.  And in an effort to put forth different effort.  Ellie and I are going on a walk.

We are headed to the Jordan River Parkway.  With camera in tow.  To enjoy our beautiful weather.  To walk in the sunshine.  To breath the fresh air.  To enjoy the company of someone enjoyable.  To make me get out of my pajamas and do my hair and put on my makeup.  So that tonight I can go to bed knowing I put forth some effort.  Some effort to have a better day today than I did yesterday.  

And hopefully, I will find the moments during every day to put forth some effort.  To have a better day.  A different day.  A day that ends with different results.

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Loves,

M

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